Murky Waters Co.

What really happened to Pailan ?

2011-01-24T13:36:00.000-08:00

There stood, on the fringes of south Kolkata, an old sprawling 2-storeyed house which was home to eight to nine families of tenants and the landlady. Over the years, the families of the tenants and the landlady had come close to each other and shared a warmth and togetherness that lasted through thick and thin.
However, with the passage of time came the inevitable expansion of Kolkata. One of the components of this expansion was the start of construction of the Metro Railway project close to this house. This activity consequently enhanced the commercial value of the area around the house, which attracted the attention of the landlady and a local real estate promoter. With huge profits expected, the landlady and the promoter planned to remove the present residents, demolish the old two storied house and build a multi-storied complex in its place, without giving any consideration to the plight of the families that resided in the house. The eviction process began with the conventional serving of notices to the tenants to vacate the premises but this proved to be ineffective in the face of resistance from the tenants. Realising that unconventional and drastic methods are required, the promoter and the landlady resorted to stopping the power and water supply and withdrawal of all other services availed by the tenants. However, the tenants continued their resistance and started depositing their rent with the Rent Control Board. The only option left now with the landlady and the promoter was to intimidate the tenants and force them to leave.
In connivance with the local Police Station, a 10 year old boy named Pailan, son of a tenant, was falsely accused of rape of a 6 year old girl, daughter of a co-tenant and friend of the boy. Pailan was arrested, put behind bars and his family along with other tenants were terrorized by the combined actions of the landlady, the promoter and his cronies. With a passive Police force providing no help to the victims, Pailan’s family was finally compelled to leave their premises and shift to a nearby slum. Meanwhile, Pailan’s case was taken up in court where, after initial delay in proceedings and oversight, the defence succeeded in making the Honourable Judge realize the truth about Pailan’s innocence, after due consideration given to the case facts and the medical report submitted. The guilty officials were reprimanded and Pailan was acquitted of the false charges with honour.
But the question remains: Will the verdict ever be able to restore that innocence and pride of childhood that Pailan has been robbed off?

For my lady

2010-12-23T06:35:00.000-08:00

Its all there
The void and the full
The darkness and bloom
The quiet and the shout
The pain and you

Its all there
The eyes and the tears
The hands and the lines
The lips and the smile
The love and the fear

Its all there
The faults and the defaults
The shadow and the light
The deep and the shallow
The love and the tomorrow

Its all there
The touch and the caress
The eyes and the smile
The glide and the flow
The love and my princess....you

Hero Honda Analysis

2009-09-05T16:03:00.000-07:00

Factors which affected the industry in general :
1. Rising steel prices – pushing up the costs of production.
2. 8 percent import duty coupled with octroi, sales tax, registration, transportation, insurance etc. Pushing expenditure up
3. Credit Crunch – specially for the executive segment. Interest rates have gone up.
Factors which have affected Hero Honda in particular in addition to general factors :
1. Impact of interest rates on two wheeler buyers at the entry level. Interest rates started firming up in early 2007, and have shown no signs of letting up ever since; the slump in the entry segment has coincided with this rise. Indication that entry segment is very Interest Elastic.
2. Quantum of down payment percentages has shot up exponentially, destabilising the market.
3. Rising Commodity prices during 2008 which has been compensated for and is already in the verge of decline in the 1st quarter of 2009.
The motorcycle segment is further sub divided into 3 classes, starting from the entry/economy class (Rs 30,000 – Rs 40,000), executive class (Rs 40,000 – Rs 50,000) and the premium class (>Rs 50,000).

Performance of Hero Honda :
1. Entry Segment – Sales of Hero Honda went down by 6% (same as the whole industry). But overall its market share in the industry went up from 28.7 to 36.6 %. This shows that the decline in the quantity supplied to the market by other market firms has declined at a faster rate than Hero Honda.
2. Executive Segment – Sales went down by 1.18%. But similar to Entry segment, the share of market went up to 71.5 % from 68%.
3. Premium Segment – Outperformed all other players where its sale went up by a whopping 69% whereas in the previous year it had grown by 25%. Its share in this segment has increased by 8% and now account for the major source of revenues.
Interpretations from the given data :
1. Due to recession, expendable income of consumer has gone down. Having said that and considering the credit crunch existing in the market (Banks not ready to lend loans) it can be concluded that the spending behaviour of consumer is different across different income segments.
2. For the executive and entry segments, the demand is going down. Reason being mainly – High percentage of down payments and banks not willing to lend/lending at higher rates of interest. This particular segment is Interest elastic.
3. For Premium segments the demand has not been affected since these are consumers whose expendable income has not been much affected by the recession. Evidence being the strong position of Hero Honda still in this segment. These consumers are least likely to postpone purchase decisions on account of increasing EMI. This segment is relatively Interest Inelastic.
4. According to the National Council of Applied Economic Research (NCAER) in 2001-02, there were 61 million Indians belonging to families that earned more than Rs. 2 lacs a year; by 2005-06, that number had crossed 100 million. In 2009-10, this number is projected to increase to 173 million. It is safe to assume that the bulk of the buyers from these segments will opt for either entry or deluxe segment motorcycle offerings. On the other hand, it has now been established beyond doubt that a large chunk of entry segment buyers will continue to react when there is a spike in interest rates. In other words, two wheeler makers have few options but to ride out the difficult times.

What is the Network Economy

2009-07-22T15:28:00.000-07:00

Mr. Jones is a successful entrepreneur. He believes in the power of scarcity. He believes that whatever he produces, if it is unique and has a high utility, it would earn him a handsome revenue as the demand would hardly ever go down. He marvels at the wonders of the industrial revolution and feels his break-even point, although distant, would come soon because he has priced his products at a comfortably high price. Since he is the only producer in the market, he believes he can enjoy this singular privilege of high pricing. He has already started succession planning, keeping a keen eye on his nephew working under him as the regional manager in Wales. What gives him immense satisfaction is that his product is by far unhindered by the cut-throat competition faced by other products in other segments. Hence, he concludes; reap the rewards while the sunshine of open roads still smiles on him.
While the above scenario would ring true somewhere in the 19th century, it miserably fails in today’s context and age. Today’s Network economy has indeed turned these well sculpted notions on their heads. What is this Network Economy, the attentive reader might ask? The answer is quite simple and would be obvious to the reader, once he or she finishes reading the rest of this article. It all started in the year 1969 when the advent of knowledge workers marked the dawn of an era where information assimilation and dissemination would play a major role in the economy. With the evolution of computers and the internet, the flow of information became easier and with that the power of uniqueness was lost. Communication has become the norm in today’s world. The laws that govern today’s world economy, without us even realising it, are actually very simple and forthright.
To begin with, do not under-estimate the dumb power of the silicon chip. Computers by themselves are dumb objects. If you don’t connect them to the network, any information that you might have with you is useless. And once you do connect them to a network you transform the data with you into information that adds to the network’s database. Moving on, stop thinking like Mr. Jones. Scarcity is not the order of the day. To cite a pertinent example, a single fax machine is worth nothing. Neither are 5 or 6 fax machines. 200 or 300 fax machines spread across continents, each communicating with the other and forming a large number of combinations of connections is of some use. The more the network grows, the more does the utility of the product plugged into it. Hence, with a decrease in scarcity, utility increases; this directly contradicts the law of scarcity of the industrial revolution. Moreover, success is nonlinear in today’s world. A case in point is the success of the internet, a dormant entity till the 1990s. Hence do not predict the success of any invention or innovation in the network economy to be a linear curve. It might break even, even before the proverbial ‘tipping point’ has been reached. Besides, if I would have been a well wisher of Mr. Jones, I would have asked his great grandsons to make virtuous circles. Linked In, a major networking site, would have been my advice to his kith and kin. This will guarantee his business visibility in the corporate world and a unique podium to communicate ideas with likeminded souls, which ultimately will benefit the business.
My final advice to Mr. Jones, of this generation, would be to let go at the top. Churn and not change is what defines today’s economy. ‘Find, nurture and destroy’ is what he should do. He should not be afraid of exploring the unknown and leave the known. The ability to relinquish something at the peak of its success and setting out on a venture to discover something totally unique is what would define the way forward for his business.
In fact, as management students of the 21st century, I believe this holds true for us all. Our minds will at first be bound by old rules of economic growth and productivity. Listening to the network can release them. In the Network Economy, as Peter Drucker so coherently puts it, don't solve problems, seek opportunities.

What does it take to....

2009-07-12T05:29:00.000-07:00

So i blog again...
this time albeit in an irregular manner. But i do return to this part of the cyberspace from time to time to give vent to pent up thoughts and feelings.
One of them is a very pertinent one for me and I guess would be for some 1.2 lakh people of this country, pursuing an MBA degree at various institutes across the nation.
What does it take to make an MBA ? Although the answer to this question would be more detailed when I pass out of IMT, but i guess now is the time to start answering it, bit by bit, part by part.

According to me, MBA is all about confidence. Its only when u have confidence on your self and your abilities that u can multitask, multioperate, coordinate, accomplish etc etc.
What is it that is wanted from an MBA grad ? Is it theoretical knowledge ? (NO) Is it comparitive advantage ?(No) Is it expertise in one particular field (Not exactly)?

What I believe is wanted is the confidence to be at the helm of affairs, even if the answer to all the above 3 questions is No. It is this confidence that rubs off on the team ur leading which eventually shows in the performance. I believe, management cannot be taught. Its a very basic activity, done right from the time man was a beastly being, electing a leader to lead the pack. The leader had to decide how much meat woud be consumed by the pack, when & where to hunt, where to set up camp and how to defend the pack from invaders or wild animals.
Confidence, as a virtue, existed since man came into being and hence it is the only trait that helps one to lead, defend, argue, win, admit defeat and so on...

What will be interesting to see is my progress, from a soft spoken, mild mannered, joke cracking guy to the supremely confident, cool calm manager...after 2 years.

Keep watching this space...would update it as time flies by..

First day @IMT

2009-06-21T09:26:00.000-07:00

Feels surreal.....

Well almost surreal. I have already spent close to 12 hours in the sprawling campus at IMT and it feels great to be here. But at the same time it feels a bit surreal. It feels as if things have caught on a speed demon and things are going by at the speed of light. Things that I thought would be good are really good, bad really pathetic and somethings which I had never imagined have come true.

I guess adjusting to life at B-School would be nothing short to being a speed demon. I'll have to cover thigns at a pace I'm not comfortable with but then, they have to be done. They will be done.

As people are getting PDPed downstairs, I feel like joining in the fun. But then, thats not what I'm here for. I'm here to become a speed demon. And the best among all.

Will keep updating this space with more....so watch out.

Agnitio Philia

2009-06-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

Hello people,

After a loooooooooong time....have decided to start some serious quizzing.

So, with that noble intention in mind, have started a quiz blog for all u blog hoggers & quizzophiles out there.

Go ahead :
http://quizhereforfun.blogspot.com/

Make my day ;)

The Aila Aftermath

2009-05-26T03:03:00.000-07:00

Its really strange...
To see the human capacity to recuperate and move on with life. We even put the ants to shame in this respect. Whatever happens, however serious, we have the ability to pick ourselves up from where the disaster leaves us...and continue towards building our world back to the way it was.
But sometimes, not always, this sense of optimism gets the better of people in the Corporate World. Specifically in the Electronic Media. Particularly, it got the better of a Radio Channel RJ (who is quite the funny monkey in the studio).

The RJ started making fun of the cyclone Aila. Sure, it is a name which would evoke tepid sarcasm or humor from people at first mention. But then, in the context of the mayhem it wreaked in the city - 22 people confirmed dead in Kolkata - I believe humor should have been the remotest emotion to be evoked a day after the cyclone.
Its all Marketing actually. The opportunistic (read sadistic) bastards who make these targets to achieve by the end of the week/month/year have to do anything and everything to make the listener listen up. So it wont do if you air condolences on the radio the morning after. It sure as hell wont help if you dont make those rich, obese, fat marwari bastards who infect the city like the plague listen in to your programme (they got half the city's commercial lifeline under their withered belt under a greasy potbelly). And since people nowadays require 'fatafat' entertainment....one often wonders at what cost !!

On how the system gets you...

2009-05-06T05:18:00.000-07:00

As I sit down to write this....the only thought in my mind is of hope. Hope that someday people of this country will wake up to the fact that it takes hardwork to build something. That we are all human, there is no caste, no sect. That all religions in the world were founded to keep the hope of a better tomorrow alive. The hope that if you are sincere to your god today, if you are sincere to the rules today, you will prosper tomorrow. That the rituals, the paraphernalia, the insipid and mindless rules devised by man is not the truth, the final word.

But today, my mind is preoccupied with something rather different from the essence of the text above. Its regarding the education system of India and what ails it. Call it the analysis of a pessimist, but the fact is it is true.

I'll get down to the brass tacks immediately. What ails the system is population and lazyness. Yes. It must be sounding like an oversimplification of things but its actually true (or so I believe). I'll show you how in the next few lines :

Think about the 1st important exam of the country. the IIT-JEE. One of the toughest exams in the world, this tests the core concepts of any class 12 student to the hilt. But then ? Fact of the matter is, it pays not attention to practical aspects of Science. Which basically means the student might be knowing all about the difficult reactions of Organic Chem or the Electromagnetism of Physics, but does not relate to it practically. Result ? Maximum of IIT graduates go in for Software firms (except the CSE guys) and some have started going in for the Investment Banks right after their B.Tech

Any IITian reading this would argue..no thats nt true. If the pay wud have been better in Core firms we wud have gone there. But is this really true ? Was the sole intention of doing Engineering, money ? Was the sole intention of sloggin away countless nights to be 'job-ready' ? This is the problem I have with the this system. People join the hordes of IITJEE aspirants to study in their hallowed portals not even knowing what they are actually good at. They spend thousands of rupees in coaching classes not even knowing whther this is what they want in life. They resort to neglecting their health, go into depression and finally end up either in the morgue, or in the scores of 'services' companies, trying to make a living. What happens then ? Further confusion for the CAT,XAT, JMET, IAS, GRE, GMAT etc etc etc...

The cause of this - Population and laziness. Why you ask ? Here's why.

Becuz of the population, there is a demand and supply gap. Which translates to poverty becuz only the select few get the resources, the others are left to mere morsels a day. And then what ? the few ppl who get it dont want to travel the path less travelled. They want to take the oft beaten path and go where eveybody has gone before. They dont pay attention to what they are good at. They dont want to listen to their inner voice.

A Basic principle of Modern Economics states - "If every person does something that he is good at and in his self interest, then the economy prospers" (Adam Smith, Wealth of Nations)

----------------------------

Now comes the next hurdle. The prestigious PG degree. What will it be ? MBA, MS, Mtech ??? Which degree will get me a better dowry ? If i become an IAS, will my rate go up or down ? Or if i get my MBA now, will I get that coveted 20+ salary ?

Doesnt get any dumber than this. You have half baked, aimless bunch of undergrads giving CAT each year for basically the same purpose - SALARY, PACKAGE, NAME & FAME !!

Why ? Who do these things matter ? Isnt Management a much more superior motive in their schem of things ? Is doin an MBA all about the salary ? Doesnt the knowledge and ability matter ?

Sadly....in India, the MBA has been given a colour of a passport to dreamland. It has been made to look coveted and 'khoool' more than pragmatic and analytical approach based profession. You really have poeple from all corners of the country vying for degrees of such calibre for solely this reason. And why is that ?

Population and lazyness. How ? (Repeat the answer above...)

Hence what you have is half baked managers coming out (mostly...not all) and goin into jobs they dont actually care to do...they are just in it for the money. There is an interesting saying by a Management professor from Harvard and it goes like this :

"Indian managers can manage something that is already up and running or something that is still afloat. But they fail miserably to revive something that has fallen or is near complete loss. "

So True....

The 300 Review

2009-05-05T12:29:00.000-07:00

21st Century technology mingled with the awe inspiring tale of Spartan resistance to Persian invasion,300 is a must see for the serious movie buff or the casual viewer. Zack Snyder, of The Dawn of the Dead (2004) fame, has left no stone unturned in making the movie a landmark in terms of screenplay, cinematography and visual portrayal of an era which was ruled by the blood and gore of the struggle to usurp pristine lands and kingdoms. The movie begins with the depiction of Spartan culture of abandoning babies with physical flaws on rugged mountains for the wolves to devour, educating the perfect ones in all schools of martial arts, fencing, stick-fighting and finally sending them off to the wild to slay the beasts and return unscathed. Leonidas (Gerard Butler) delivers an amazing performance portraying the King of Spartans, a man who symbolises the Spartan culture in every possible way. Lena Heady and Rodrigo Santoro deserve special mention for portraying the roles of Queen Gorgo and the Persian God Xerxes, respectively. The headstrong and determined nature of the queen who would do anything to save her king and Sparta, even be vandalised by the scheming Theron (Dominic West), is rendered exquisitely by Lena. As for Rodrigo, his portrayal of the demonic God Xerxes deserves special mention as he not only had to change his accent but also had to wear heavy jewellery all over his body, which is certainly not a comfortable job. The eventual betrayal by a spy and subsequent annihilation of the 300 Spartans at the hands of Xerxes is not the end of the movie. The end, showing a renewed army of the Spartans rushing forth to destroy any Persian in sight, could have been better. But since this is a direct cinematic depiction of Frank Miller's graphic novel, shot in only 3 small sets with a blue green screen in Montreal and digitally enhanced by special effects, what could have been should be ignored for what is and should be thoroughly enjoyed by the Indian audience. [Written way back in 2007 for IBIBO blog...]

What happened in Mumbai

2009-04-08T10:48:00.000-07:00

What did happen in Mumbai ?

Was it because of the total lack of security of our coastlines ? Or was it due to negligence on the part of internal security ? Or was it that the bloody politicians struck a deal with Pakis...."You can strike in Mumbai for now..but then no honky ponky in Kashmir for the next one year !! We've got elections coming up remember ?"

The last line of the above paragraph does sound very surreal. But guess what, I believe that it is a distinct possibility. Why ? Have a look at the number of terrorist attacks that have happened in India.

Since the 1993 Bombay blasts (come and put a bomb in our city...we are very much populated. Oh and do you want an actor to help you ? Hey Sanju baba !! Come here....) we have had to bear :

2001 - 2 attacks - 42 people (officially) dead

2002 - 4 attacks - 250 people (officially) dead

2003 - 3 attacks - 100 people (officially) dead

2004 - 1 attack - 20 people (officially) dead

2005 - 3 attacks - 80 people (officially) dead

2006 - 3 attacks - 300 people (officially) dead (Mumbai meri jaaan ...)

2007 - 5 attacks - 500+ people...

2008 - (this really gets my blood boiling) 10 attacks - (wtf !!) I cant put a number on it....

So now, just imagine. If your house was under attack from intruders 2-3 years in a row, by now u wud have a highly trained army of men ready to defend your house. If you wud have been serious of defending and preventing such attacks from happening, you wud have educated the forces and trained them to be better than the attackers. You would have made sure that the number of attacks should go down.....be zero the next yr and the yr after that and the yr after that........

Did this happen ? NO. Did the number of attacks lessen ? No Did the intensity of attacks lessen ? NOOOOOOOO

And why is that ? Because there is someone inside helping the attackers. Helping them know our strength. Helping them know our weaknesses. Helping them grow more than us.

And then these lilly livered, cowardly, pot-bellied, uneducated, uncouth, sons of bitches (read POLITICIANS) come along and 'CONDEMN' the attack. And then after 'CONDEMNING' the attack they go back to their plush cars and offices... pretty satisfied with their parasitic and whore-like existence.

What happened in Mumbai was a reminder. To throw these people either out of this country or out of the misery of their baseless lives.

Are we ready to do that ?

All I wanted to speak about CAT/MBA dreams

2009-04-04T22:51:00.000-07:00

Hello ppl..
Not sure how much of this post will help people but I wanted to put forward my view so be it
My Journey towards an MBA degree began with CAT 2006 and ended with CAT 2008. No i wasnt successful in securing an IIM seat and yes I did get into a tier 2 B School (as they call it). Yes I am not goin to NMIMS Mumbai which conducts an exam which can be called a light hearted imitation of a math textbook and wren n martin put together ...(it really is puys so dont laugh) . And yes I do feel that after having got 97.56 % in CAT 2008 and converted IMT G I should feel happy.....

But there my friend...the story ends. And here's where my 'All i wanted to say about CAT' begins..
As a person who is now out of the race, I can tell u quite accurately tell u what happened and how i did it. Lets begin objectively.

What i Did :
- I studied too much. I mean I had office for about 10 hrs everyday and den i used to come home and hit the material for 4 - 5 hrs. ALso, during the busrides to and fro, I used to solve papers. This went on pretty much for 4 months.
- I started expecting too much. Some of this prep paid off in the mocks and I started getting 98 above regularly. Quant i used to ace along with DI. VA wud be variable. On an average 85% above wud be my VA %ile.
- I started getting tense. WIth Great Expectations came tension. Killer in this situation.
- I wanted to finish too much too fast. I had finished 90% of the TIME material (except the test papers at the last). And i kept on goin till september. Fallacy - Revision and coolin of nerves not done :(

Result - DI screwed in CAT. 73.4x %. No IIM, MDI, NITIE SPJAIN etc etc etc....
Well, this is where i guess i start the real part of this so called essay.

Puys - remember 1 thing very carefully. A school doesnt make u or break u. Yes it does give u an 'initial' edge over others by the brand image, but then that is all. Having been in the industry for measly 18 months but having interacted with ppl from IIM C grad working in Hong Kong, IIMA grad workin in Mumbai, NM grad workin in Mumbai, IMT senior frm my college (NIT Allahabad btw) I reached a conclusion - derived from all what they said. At the end of the day, all that matters is whether ur able to deliver the goods. If ur a Product manager, r u able to meet the demands of the customer frm the product and incorporate it in the product for better sales ? If a financial manager, r u able to crunch those numbers and come up with good assesments of investment opportunities for ur clients (just one of the thousand jobs)..
the answer to these questions is of paramount importance. the brand, image and all that, cease to exist.
Cuz, just think about it - the books r the same, the content the same, the principles taught the same, the problems t solve in the industry - same.....
Hence the only thing that matters is how well u grasp the situation and act accordingly - how well u manage. And believe me puys, at this age (average age of 23 of all MBA aspiants and 1st yrs) its pretty difficult to un learn and relearn anything. By this age, ur thinking process and analytical thnking and reasoning have matured. U r what u r mentall by 23 or 24. SO from now its WHO U R that matters.....the MOST.

yes it does matter where ur from...cuz lets face it. If half of indian industry is from IIT/IIM or both then they wud certainly go for their juniors - cuz they knw that if they were gud their juniors wud be good too...
But then, that is where it ends. After that, after the 'creamy layer' has been recruited and the 'tier 2' ones r recruited too, there begins that fight - for which ONE HAS TO BE PREPARED. this test is even more difficult than any exam (CAT is like child'splay if u think of it). Cuz in this test, u r tested on ur ability to slog ur ass off, ability to think and analyze, and ability to present and communicate - OVER A PERIOD OF TIME.

This is what we shud be prepared for. the exams ? naaaaah. they come n go....like the rain every year.
But eventual success - that eventual seat as the CEO, MD, Chairman. - that wud remain longer.....the memory wud last longer....the sweet taste of success wud last longer....

Here's wishing that all PUYS reading this and the ones not reading this turn out to be the next bright face of the Indian Industry.
All the best !!!
U better be good.....cuz am competing

(This post can be looked up in Pagalguy too)

Bloggerboard Confessional

2008-10-03T12:11:00.000-07:00

Had to let it go somewhere. Have all these pent up, botched up feelings. Have to let off some steam. Somewhere.
Does any one ever know what the future holds ? How does one ever figure out what one would get once he reaches the proverbial 'buffet' after waiting for hours in the 'line'.
It sometime scares me to think that nothing we do, ever, has any consequence on the present. But then, the concept of karma i believe is the answer to my worries. Whatever will happen, will certainly happen, whether one likes it or not. Neither me nor the world champion in Boxing knows where the next 'punch' is coming from the 'opponent'. But all I can do is be nimble on my feet, like Ali.
Float like a butterfly, Sting like a bee.
Trouble is, my sting is and would be inconsequential. The 'opponent' would flow on, unhindered, untouched, forever.
All i have to do is keep that sting going...

Touche'

Should I read Books ??

2008-03-08T05:40:00.000-08:00

[Funny question. This is what i wrote...]

"SHOULD I READ BOOKS?"

Should I? Should I not? That’s the big question it seems. According to me the asked question has a very simple answer. I should. And there the essay should end, isn’t it? Well, you (the reader) won’t get away with this so easily. Read on!

According to me, the reasons for reading books, in general, are manifold. If I consider my case, which is what the title asks me to do, I would arrive at the following reasons. But, first of all, let me introduce the real me and what led me to this life-saving habit of reading books. I am a very dreamy sort of a person, who likes to make use of the world and its characters around him to weave out stories in his woolly head. Since childhood (don’t worry, the flashback wont last too long) I have always loved watching people. The way they walk, talk, run, sit, weep, criticize, scold, haggle, struggle etc. Initially, I was at a loss for words in describing them, their characteristics, their habits and the feelings that they used to show intermittently. And then one day, out of the blue, I fell (I literally tripped) on a pile of Agatha Christie’s. Although I had a nasty scratch on my arm, and was given some time off recover at home, I couldn’t keep myself from going to that very room where I had had that horrible fall. In the process of exploring the room and its mean looking old, dusty volumes of fiction, I fell upon (figuratively speaking, thankfully) a very interesting looking book on a Caribbean Mystery. The author, Agatha Christie, made an old lady, Miss Marple (the detective) unveil the murderer in the Caribbean and I loved every second of it. When I finished the last page of the book, I felt as if a huge window, which had let in fresh air (scented with the most intoxicating smell of old books) had closed and my world had gotten gloomy again. It was then that I realized that how important it was that I continue reading.

I should read books because it gives me a world which I can explore at my will. It gives me the freedom to study people, their characteristics, their habits, their perspectives. It gives me the freedom to judge them, to compare their habits with mine, to add whatever I feel is relevant to my life and abhor the things which I feel are ‘injurious to health’. It gives me ideas, encourages thinking in a new direction and gives me glimpse into the lives of great men and their ways of thinking. Lately, I have started reading non-fiction which has given me information – what happened? When and where? How? It has given me the knowledge which empowers me to relate the past with the present. Hence when I asked “Should I read books?” I wouldn’t answer you. I would simply smile and write down this essay again, if you want!

Why.....

2007-07-25T22:50:00.000-07:00

I can never really understand those moments. When i want to tell you something which will comfort you, soothe you, and all you do is turn away, with a caustic remark or an acidic rejoinder.
Then you remind me how i bore you, ceaselessly keep telling you things that you think are utterly useless. Then you remind me how I keep getting you irritated and how you need time alone - just to be with yourself, cool off that anger of yours.

But how is it that just some days ago, you were so happy talking to me...listening to me and now you just answer in monosyllables, as if you are hoping the conversation would end as soon as possible.

Maybe I am old fashioned. Maybe i dont understand what you need sometimes. Maybe I am a bit too emotional. Or maybe, i am really irritating.

Maybe....
But what is an absolute certainty, is that you wont get another person who will love you as dearly, as completely as i will. Yes i do overdo it sometimes, but i dont do it conciously. Its just that i dont want you to have any problem; i dont want you to undergo any physical pain or suffering when i am not there. With you.

Yes i do wish that i protect you like a baby. Keep you safe and warm. I know thats not too pragmatic, but thats how it is.

Thats how it will be.

Period.

Life

2007-07-18T13:48:00.000-07:00

Its funny how some things which you wish would not come true, finally do come true.
Its funny how you realise that everyone is human after all, that the idea one has of persons, situations, circumstances is so momentary. Like a drop of water, it just dries up before you know it. But the cool sensation remains afterwards.
Life has to move on....
I guess there is no use writing much about what i am feeling right now since it really is serving no purpose.
The only thing that is keeping my brain cells from falling to sleep is this - how life teaches you slowly but surely, that in the end, what matters is the love between two people.

Everything else is secondary.

Oh and one more thing - was thinking about this the other day.
That in the end all of us are losers.
L O S E R S
seems pathetic, pessimistic doesnt it ?
well it is. we die. we go back to the elements. and in doing that we lose everything we strive to gain in this life.

How ironic.
Life is really...

Everything fades to black...eventually

2007-03-31T04:54:00.000-07:00

There is this school of thought which propounds that everything is bright at the end .... that evry thing has a reason for it to be happening to someone, that everything turns out to be good in the end, the ends justify the means....so on and so forth.

But has it ever happened to you when you just want to throw it all away and run. Run just run, like a maniac, till the blood in my feet bursts out of the soles, till my head spins...
Thats exactly what i feel these days.
Days of college coming to an end....the 'independent' 'corporate' life waiting round the corner, the lonely days without her beside me, of not being able to smell that perfume, the freshness of her eyes, her countenance; another thousand tests to prove myself to another person, to show him that i am worth the money he is spending on me.
Ironic ?
Struggle called life ?
Hard work is the key ?
Fucking bullshit.

Thats life probably.

Forever and Always

2007-02-04T11:43:00.001-08:00

Have this picture of you

In my eyes, in front of me,

Reach out to it every now and then,

Kiss it; make myself believe you are there,

When all I want to do is love you,

All day,

All night,

Every day.

But all I have is this picture,

In my eyes, in front of me,

They said love would be difficult,

They said love would test you,

Bend you, fill you,

With happiness, joy,

I sit up; brush aside all the thoughts,

Clogging my mind,

Filling me with despair,

That every passing day would bring me,

Closer to that end,

That end of time,

With you beside me.

Time will pass,

Things will change,

We will change,

Our thoughts, opinions,

Our distances,

Everything.

But the one thing that drives me,

That keeps me ready,

To face the end,

Is the thought of you,

Beside me,

With me.

Always.

I know that day will come,

The wait is all that is needed,

To keep going,

With a meaning and purpose in life,

That meaning, my dear is you.

I don’t think anymore,

I look at your picture,

Smiling at me,

Calling me, those hands,

Colours, beautiful colours,

Of your eyes, lips, skin,

Captivating, like an angel’s.

Then suddenly,

I find myself smiling too.

Because I now know,

What it means to love,

To give, to make you happy,

I bend my back, pour over

The books lying in front of me.

The time is now,

To make you happy,

To have that vision,

To build that future.

That I dream of,

That I want to have, with you beside me.

Have this picture of you,

In front of me,

Smiling at me.

I wake up, from slumber,

Dreaming of you.

I smile at you,

Get up, sit down to work,

For that day,

That future,

That tomorrow,

To come.

The music fills me,

Intoxicating,

I lunge for the picture,

Kiss it, feel that you are there,

With me, watching me,

Scolding me, loving me,

Love every moment of it,

As I dream, work,

With your thoughts, the books,

Nothing will be the same anymore,

Nothing will fill me with despair,

As I pour over the work,

And keep telling myself,

Loving you,

Has been the best thing

That happened, to me,

I finally close my eyes,

With you in my dreams, in my eyes.

You, all of you,

The smile, the frown,

It doesn’t hurt anymore,

For I know,

I have your love,

Forever and always.

Out Of Life

2007-01-24T10:30:00.000-08:00

Home but away,

From the feelings that hold sway,

Over my heart, my head,

Spinning out of control.

Asleep but drowning,

Don’t know where, don’t know how,

The darkness closes in,

Your smile blurs and glows.

Is it time,

Is it really ?

To break away,

To go astray,

Find another way,

Out of this mess,

I cant take the stress,

Want to run,

Want to burn,

Want to hide,

Want to take that last ride,

Out of this town,

Out of this place,

Out of Life.

The light hurts my eyes,

The smoke covers me,

Unconscious but listening,

To the last words you said.

Playing in my head

The red deepens,

The images blur,

Cant figure out the roads,

On the last ride with you,

I’ve got to see this through.

Is it time,

Is it really ?

To break away,

To go astray,

Find another way,

Out of this mess,

I cant take the stress,

Want to run,

Want to burn,

Want to hide,

Want to take that last ride,

Out of this town,

Out of this place,

Out of Life.

In Loving Memory

2007-01-03T22:26:00.000-08:00

[Wrote this as i was listening to Alter Bridge - In Loving Memory...]

As I look back at my life gone by,

I cant help but stop and wonder,

The number of times I’ve fallen, and fumbled,

The number of times I have erred,

The number of times I’ve felt short of breath,

Helpless,

And then I close my eyes and see your face,

Smiling down on me,

Those eyes so clear,

Those hands so tender,

That heart so full of love,

So forgiving,

I wander in the dark,

The cold biting in my face,

But I feel the warmth

From within,

The warmth of the lady I love,

The warmth of her bosom,

Pressed against my chest,

The man in me wants you,

Craves for the love,

The touch, the lips, the eyes, the softness,

I open my eyes,

The world is still dark,

The road still empty,

The world still so imperfect but perfect,

But somewhere in that darkness,

Even though every cell in my body misses you

I feel safe,

I feel loved,

I am Happy.

Want you baby,

For ever and ever,

Till the reaper comes

And sucks out the life from me…

To Infinity & Beyond

2006-12-19T05:41:00.000-08:00

[Wriiten during the time I held the post of Director - Public Relations, SEDS Earth]

Since time immemorial, man has been fascinated by space and the mysteries it shrouds in its dark and deep recesses. From the time when man used to just gaze at the stars, shining brightly in the sky to the present day, when the space around the earth is littered with the engineering marvels of this age, everything has been an effort towards unravelling the mysteries that have haunted mankind in the past and will continue to haunt them even after the dawn of the quintessential Homo sapiens futuralis.

The burning desire to explore the dubious and sometimes shocking possibilities, the haunting secrets and intriguing facts that the universe symbolizes pushed a group of enthusiastic students at MIT, in the year 1980, to establish an organization called SEDS – Students for Exploration & Development of Space. The idea was simple. To quote the forefathers of the organization :

“SEDS is an independent, student-based organization which promotes the exploration and development of space. SEDS pursues this mission by educating people about the benefits of space, by supporting a network of interested students, by providing an opportunity for members to develop their leadership skills, and inspiring people through our involvement in space-related projects. SEDS believes in a space-faring civilization and that focusing the enthusiasm of young people is the key to our future in space.”

The year 1980 saw a slow but steady growth of the organization. Shortly after SEDS was founded at MIT, its president, Peter Diamandis, wrote a letter to the editor in Omni magazine deploring the status of the space program and asking students to help make a difference. The letter, published in Omni in early 1981, attracted students from around the nation to SEDS. The creators were determined to take the organization to the fore and carve a niche for itself. Hence, July 1982 saw the first SEDS Conference being held on the campus of George Washington University in Washington, DC. The meeting attracted students from around the country. A number of top-flight speakers gave presentations at the conference, including Dr. Mark Chartrand, then director of the National Space Institute (now NSS); Dr. David Webb, aerospace pioneer and the head of the SEDS-USA Board of Advisors; and the young Republican co-chairman of the Congressional Space Caucus, a Georgia representative by the name of Newt Gingrich. Students returned to Washington in July of 1983 for the second SEDS conference. The conference was longer than in 1982 and included more presentations by speakers dealing with many aspects of space exploration and development.

The year is 2005. The journey has been an eventful one, if not a long one. SEDS has come a long way, has spread its wings all over the world with chapters in China, Spain and India. The beginning of the 21^st century has seen the birth of an organization that will in the future be the face, the symbol, the insignia, of space enthusiasts, grad & undergrad students, learners, entrepreneurs, high school students, professors and anyone and everyone who wants to do something for the exploration and development of space. The much awaited and needed international organization, SEDS-Earth, the new revamped face of SEDS, has been launched.

I, Abhishek Ray, the International Director of Public Relations, welcome you to come and work with us. SEDS is a great opportunity for anyone and everyone who has deep desire, a quest, a thirst for the knowledge of uncovering the unknown, of developing the engineering marvels we have, of pouring out the creative energy in developing our own ‘babies’ which might become tomorrow’s awe-inspiring find or inventions. It is your forum to :

S – SEARCH FOR THE TRUTH ABOUT THE UNIVERSE & ITS MYSTERIES.

E – ENVISAGE NEW PROJECTS AND EVENTS THAT WILL SPUR ON THE ENTHUSIASTS WORLDWIDE.

D – DEFINE TOMORROW’S METHODOLOGIES OF EXPLORATION AND DEVELOPMENT OF SPACE.

S – SURPASS THE BOUNDARIES OF CREATIVITY & IMAGINATION !!

SEDS-Earth has been born. It is in its infancy. But it will grow. It will stand the test of time. It will traverse the journey to infinity and beyond.

New Deep

2006-12-15T05:37:00.000-08:00

The new me.
Couldnt have captured my emotions better.
Thats how i look without her by my side.

Angry.
With this world, the people in it,
the insects infesting it...

Wish - I had an invisible cloak...with which i could hide her and take her away from everything here
.
With me....
forever...

The semester before i die

2006-12-04T02:33:00.000-08:00

U know how u see these film stars, making promises to their loved ones that they would die if he/she left the other one day, and wonder what is it that will drive them to such insanity.
I never knew that loving someone cud have such an effect on me.
Now that the last sem of college is here, round the corner literally, i feel as if after college i would stop existing.
That feeling of warmth wen i see her, that strange feeling of being at home even wen i am with her in a crowd...i'll miss all that.
And most of all, the love that kept me alive the 3 yrs in college - 2nd yr to the final year, I will miss that the most.
guess i'll just stop existing after college...

R.I.P
RAY

My Life...

2006-11-12T03:08:00.000-08:00

Is it me...

2006-11-12T03:01:00.000-08:00

I dont understand this...
It is as if everything i planned out to do is going awry..is breaking down right in front of me.
And i am helpless. My hands feel numb.
No matter how hard I try...how bad i want something, things dont go as i i think they will.
Is it me or is there something wrong with what i want.
Perhaps it is a bit of both, as it always is.
When i fall to reminescing, i remember the simpler times, when there were simpler goals, simpler roads to self satisfaction.
How i wish those times come back....

But as they say, growing up comes at a cost.

Wish i was in a life where everything was free...or at least had some discounts to it.
where evrything wasnt as costly as things seem to be in this life.

River of Life

2006-11-02T07:44:00.000-08:00

I feel let down,
remember the past,
the light flickers,
everything's brown,
i know i've finished last.

But in my heart
i have you,
your love keeps me,
from fallin apart.

Could i run away,
Hide in an island
far away,
be with you night and day,
sing our days away,
never come back this way,
Could i turn back time,
write that one correct line,
but i know,
this moment is gonna go,
it hurts me so,
so, lets get on the boat,
and down the river of life,
we row,
and row...

the room's a mess,
and my mind too,
what r u thinkin,
i try and guess,
but i've finished last, its true.

i try and hide my tears,
the pain sticks inside,
but as the mist clears,
i know that
the grass is always greener
on the other side.

So,
Could i run away,
Hide in an island,
far away,
be with you night and day,
sing our days away,
never come back this way,
could i turn back time,
write that one correct line,
but i know,
this moment is gonna go,
it hurts me so,
so, lets get on the boat,
and down the river of life,
we row,
and row...

Love you

2006-11-02T07:39:00.000-08:00

i hear you,
saying your sorry,
cant you see the wounds,
they are hurting me.
You think those words,
are gonna heal,
My cries you've never heard,
my pain, i'm never gonna reveal.

You say u dont understand,
you doubt my intentions,
your trust in me, like a quicksand,
in your love, my heart burns.

Those eyes can never see my love,
Those hands can never feel my touch,
I'm gonna pick myself up,
Cuz the wounds dont matter much,
Cuz i love you,
will love you,
always,
and forever...

Heard your harsh voice,
tried to cheer you,
Am not that wise
But i am all true.
Feel i'm slippin down a hole,
Cant see where it ends,
I'm not gonna fall,
My broken heart will mend.

WIND CRIES MARY

2006-11-02T07:35:00.001-08:00

“After all the jacks are in their boxes

And the clowns have all gone to bed

You can hear happiness staggering on down street

Footprints dressed in red

And the wind whispers MARY”

John Mayer

Room for Squares

Atlanta, 2001.

It was cold. Dead cold. The sky was clear. Feather shaped clouds draped the moon, shining in all its glory. It all seemed so simulated, so artificial. It was as if someone had covered the world with a grey-black coloured cloak and had pushed it into a freezer. The ground everywhere was covered with a thick layer of snow. Here and there tracks had been cut out by carriages and carts carrying people and goods, headed for the markets in the city. But now, a deathly silence had descended on the place. I balanced myself on the window sill and looked in. There she was, dressing up for dinner.

Dresses were lying on the bed. I could see her, bending over them, trying to decide which one to wear. Her wet hair stuck to her shoulders, the water glistening on her smooth skin. She removed the plastic covering one of the dresses and peered at it closely. A faint grin appeared on her soft, pink lips and her eyes blinked in approval. She looked out of the window, the one opposite of the window on which I was perched. The snow covered peaks, resplendent in the softly glowing horizon, gleamed in the blue moonlight as she walked towards the window, probably planning to open it. Her hands held back. She walked back, head bowed and sighing. A call rang out from below. It was her mother. The guests had entered the main gate.

The Stangertons never wanted their daughter to be married to Billy Beresford, son of Lord Beresford, Earl of Nottinghamshire. It was the Earl who had insisted on having dinner with Marcus Stangerton and his family. Mary was their only child and they had carefully planned her future, with a devilish determination and sense of purpose. From the day she had entered Gloria Foundation, the best girl’s school in east London to the day she had graduated from Liverpool, Marcus Stangerton had carefully plotted each and every point of the graph of her future life. Marcus knew what it was to be one of them, the Stangertons. So he had protected Mary, right from the time she had been born. Now, as he stood at the door, dressed in the finest fabric ever to be fashioned in the form of a suit, he felt happy. It is quite rarely that one has an Earl over for dinner.

The 1936 Ford Pantheon cruised to a halt in front of the butler, waiting to receive the Earl and his family. The Earl got out, followed by his wife and Billy. He grinned from ear to ear as the two elderly men shook hands following which Mr. Stangerton led them inside. The butler followed close at heel, taking orders from Mr. Stangerton as he led the guests to the drawing room. Mrs. Stangerton was waiting there, all dressed up for the big occasion.

“It is a lovely house Marcus! The windows are just so big and beautiful!” exclaimed Mrs. Beresford.

“You are most kind madam. Its nothing compared to your castle. I believe the castle has been featured again in The Daily Tribune….” broke off Marcus Stangerton. His eyes were on Mary. She had come down from her room. She was looking so beautiful in that black dress, observed Marcus. How quickly she had grown, he thought. I flew down to the window which gave me a better view of Mary. I did not want to lose sight of her.

The guests sat down. Billy had sat down next to Mary. The Earl and Marcus were chatting away at one corner; the wives had made themselves comfortable in front of the hearth, sipping wine as they talked of fashion and films. Billy looked at Mary. She appeared to be grinning faintly.

“So, I heard you sing?” said Billy.

“I do. In fact I can speak too” giggled Mary.

“Oh…well….do you read much? I mean….novels. Poems are...” he stopped. He looked at Mary. She had a strange look in her eyes. I leaned in, to catch a better glimpse of the two.

“Mary, are you alright? You look pale…” said Billy. He didn’t know what to do. Mary had that far-away look in her eyes. She had, all of a sudden, stopped giggling. She then turned to look at him.

“Do you really want to marry me?” she asked. Her voice was heavy. Her hands were tense. Something was happening to her, Billy seemed to think. I chuckled, a muffled sound that died away quickly.

“I do. That’s why I am here, isn’t it?” uttered Billy. Poor guy, I thought. I climbed down the window and flew to the bedroom upstairs. It was time, I perceived. I opened the door to the bedroom slowly and peeped out.

She had stood up, looking at him, smiling. She took him by the hand and led him upstairs. She was so beautiful, it was hard to resist. Billy walked up the stairs, as if in a trance.

“Where are we going?” asked Billy.

“The balcony, I need to talk to you Billy…” said Mary. She had definitely decided it was time. She walked past the bedroom door towards the balcony. She was in a hurry, I could detect.

“Mary, is something wrong? You seem so tense….” Billy couldn’t complete the sentence. Mary had turned away from him. He heard her crying.

“Mary, please tell me. Is something…”this time the sentence was even shorter. He moved closer to Mary, to console her. She had buried her face in her hands and was crying.

Then Mary turned around, her canines glinting in the moonlight. Without a sound she dug her teeth deep into Billy’s throat. Blood squirted out, dropping to Billy’s feet, turning his shirt and feet red. She clung on, her nails digging deep into his chest. In a few moments, she let go of him. Billy Beresford dropped to the ground, his body falling with a dull, sick thud.

As she wiped the blood clean from her face and lips, I flew down. She no longer needed to stay with her parents. I had found a home, a nice quaint little cottage in Surrey. She looked at me and smiled. There were tears in her eyes. I took her in my arms. We cried quietly. We were two vampires in love. We had nothing to fear now.

Bloodcurdling screams emanated from the drawing room, downstairs. The Stangertons were having dinner….

[ Vampires have always caught my imagination. This is my version of a vampire story ]

Changes

2006-10-25T03:36:00.000-07:00

I think i have to grow up...
Lateley i have been having this feeling that the little child inside me has no place in this world. Maybe its true, maybe its not. But i dont know how to deal with this, that i know for sure.

I know you have to go out into this world, wihtout me by your side. But why do i have this feeling that i am losing importance in your life.
Perhaps i am a bit too much possessive. Perhaps i love too much. But let me tell you that it has very difficult for me to stayt in my room for the past couple of days, thinking of you 24-7.
I know i get too emotional sometimes and when i look back in retrospect i wonder why was i getting so hyper about nothing.
But as the days come to a close in this college...i wonder when will be the next time i will be able to spend a full day with you...
Dont know what will be the schedule in a B-school...dont know when u will be able to get off work.

Dont know what will happen...
But one thing that drives me on..is the thought that someday, i'll have you by my side.
And that day i gues i will Rest In Peace.

Love you

For my angel

2006-09-24T21:21:00.000-07:00

Colours fade into grey and white,

As I sit down in this room,

Away from you,

Away from happiness.

The smile fades,

The darkness looms large,

Flitting memories cover my eyes,

And I lean back,

Lost in you.

And then I dream,

I dream of hills,

Of rivers sparkling clear,

Of colours blending with the sky above,

Of an angel,

Amidst the trees, beside the water,

The lips parted in a smile,

The brow luminous with the warmth of kindness,

The bosom, filled with the milk of love

The hands, long, tender,

The legs, slender and curved,

I see her,

Calling put to me,

Her hands, curved in an embrace of love,

I cross the river,

I trample on the grass,

I reach her,

I fall into her arms,

Into the sea of love,

I drown,

I perish,

Only to be alive, inside her,

Forever.

The dream ends,

The phone beeps,

The monitor flashes to life,

I see your picture,

I see my angel,

The hands long and tender,

The lips parted in a smile,

The brow luminous with the warmth of kindness,

The bosom filled with the milk of love,

Amidst the trees,

Beside the water…..

With you...

2006-08-31T21:08:00.000-07:00

[Wrote this one for her on Valentine's Day....]

The door opened. A creaking sound accompanying it broke the silence. She entered. She closed the door behind her and sat down. It had been a hard day, I observed.

She opened her sandals, massaging her feet as she took them off. She frowned as her hand touched the area near her left toe which was sore. Picking up her sandals, she dropped them near the settee and strode off in the direction of the dining room.

It had been a long hard day again at the office, I observed. Infotronics Corp. did not give its employees even a second to breathe, now that the company was under a severe financial crisis. Work in the Information & Interfacing sector was even tougher, since Infotronics now had to keep up with the competition in the I.T. sector, post the revolutionary law by the American Government allowing all the off-shore companies to market and sell products under their company banner and name. She had put in her 100% in the last few months. The coming months were going to be tough on her, I knew. I got up from the settee, put her shoes in place, crossed the living room and entered the dining room. I had to make sure she was eating right, since I knew she was hungry.

She was sitting on her favourite chair beside the jukebox, listening to her favourite songs. The music filled the room like smokes from an incense stick, somehow spreading a curious ‘fragrance’ in the room. I noticed that she had already taken out from the refrigerator a fresh box of noodles and was now sipping coffee from her coffee mug. She then picked up the box of noodles and started eating. Beside the jukebox, there was a picture of me and her, when we were together. Her eyes wandered, settling on the picture momentarily and then she looked away. I could see the tears. She closed her eyes. She was weeping inside, I knew.

The music could not shroud the chimes of the clock in the main hall as it struck 9. She opened her eyes, red with tears. Getting up from her chair, she ate one final spoon of noodles and then pushed it away inside the refrigerator. Gulping down the coffee, she put it on the jukebox, spilling some of it on the cover of the jukebox. She was tired. With a sigh she looked around. I knew she was feeling cold. She hurried to the window and closed it, shuddering with cold as she did it. She still was not used to Los Angeles weather.

It had been 10 years since I had brought her here. I had been transferred to the North American headquarters of my company. At first she was reluctant to leave India, leave her mother. My mother was not convinced that this move would be the right one, in order to further my career prospects. But in the end, I was able to convince her. Mom had cried a lot. I still remember her at the airport, clinging on to me like a baby. I had assured her that I would visit India at least once a year, till I was transferred back. I had silently cried, seeing her cry.

Her mother had come along with us. She said she would be happy if her mother stayed with her. I knew that. And I wanted to see her happy, as happy as she could ever be. I still remember the day I had agreed and she had held me in her arms, smiling. I had loved every moment of it. Things had gone every bit our way as she got a job with Infotronics Corp. and we moved into a beautiful house south of Paulo Alto. She was happy. I was happy, seeing her happy.

She quietly entered the room where her mother was sleeping. She kissed her on the forehead and closed the door behind her. I got up from the chair at the dining table, removed the noodles because I knew it would develop a stale taste by tomorrow and cleaned the jukebox. I quietly washed the coffee mug and put it on the shelf. She would need it to be clean again, I thought.

She was now in the bedroom. She had changed and was now lying on the bed. She was wearing her blue nightgown. She was looking so beautiful. Just like an angel. Her eyes were closed, a bead of tear trickling down each eye, occasionally. She had something in her hand, I could make out. I sat down beside her. It was my photograph. I knew what she was thinking, always knew. She was remembering our college days. How I used to call her everyday, how we used to meet to have coffee or just talk, how we had shared our problems, our joy, our sorrow. The tears said it all. I wanted to talk to her, to tell her I love her and that I am right here. I wanted to take her in my arms, wanted her to cry it out and wanted her to tell me what she was going through. But I could not.

Then it all came flooding back to me. I still remember the day when I was returning from work. The car, the streetlights, the burning truck, the firefighters, the paramedical team which had come for rescue. Everything came back, in one haunting memory. I still remember how I had looked back on my dead body, lying beside the wrecked car. I still remember how I had longed to be with her back home, longed for life, again. But I had promised her that I would never leave her, ever. So I had come back. Back to her. Back to my life. She had always been my life, always.

The jukebox played on; unhindered, soothing as ever, a song which I knew she loved –

Every breath you take,

Every move you make,

Every bond you break,

Every step you take,

I’ll be watching you……..

I slowly switched the lights off and closed the windows, as quietly as possible.

She needed sleep. I lay down close to her and closed my eyes, hoping for a tear to trickle down my dead eyes………….

Neologism is not the religion of Neo

2006-08-31T12:34:00.000-07:00

[A blog that i wrote for our quiz fest Gnosiomania 2k6]

Gnosiomania is a neologism. That is what I learnt after scouring through innumerable webpages and sites, looking for topics that interest the left lobe of my telencephalon (or what one calls the brain). But first let me elucidate the meaning of the word neologism.

Simply put – Neologism is a word, term, or phrase which has been recently created ("coined") — often to apply to new concepts, or to reshape older terms in newer language form. Neologisms are by definition "new," and as such are often directly attributable to a specific individual, publication, period or event. The term "neologism" was itself coined around 1800; so for some time in the early 19th Century, the word "neologism" was itself a neologism. So gnosiomania which actually is a play on the word gnosiophobia (the fear of knowledge) is most definitely a neologism. (Phew)

Interesting. But as I finished this first paragraph, thoughts warped back to the day I had got the news that something known as GNOSIOMANIA would be organized in our college. Was in the 1^st year and had just started getting comfy with the 3^rd years. The final years were still the predators, to be in awe of from a distance but never to be close to one, much like one would be had one been in a Jurassic Park, beholding a velociraptor, in a cage mind you.

Things had happened so smoothly. Had bagged the role of the brochure writer and had written the script, much to the liking of the final years and the 3^rd years. And when the event began, was totally bowled over by the spirit of quizzing that erupted in the campus for 2 straight days. Hardly slept for the 2 days and by the end of it, knew where I stood on the knowledge ladder (on the ground beside the ladder beckoning people to help me up).

But this year I feel a little (tiny would be appropriate) bit more confident. Have been doing my reading (and practicing sleeping with a book), practicing the questions, quizzing actively in college quizzes and have been a quizmaster for 2 quizzes too !! (Have no idea how that happened !!). Although the ascent up the ladder has been slow and tiresome (albeit fascinating) one, the event itself is what drives me to newer heights of gnosiomania. Hey !! wait there a second….didn’t I just use Gnosiomania in the right manner in a grammatically correct sentence ??? !!!

Cheers people !!

Misfit

2006-08-30T13:07:00.000-07:00

Sometimes in life u dont feel like putting down in words wat u might me feeling. Something like wat i am feeling right now.
Have got my media player playing tunes to me from an alternative rock album - 3rd eye blind (wierd name).
the lyrics are ven more vague :

Hey bro props at the after show

Can you tell me where the greenbuds grows?

I'd like to say you turned my life around

I lost myself outside again

With the sound running through my head

Drowned out way out in the crowd

and the crowd goes singing

My people are the misfits

The ones that don't fit in

With the smile I know it comes within

I can feel you in the corners laughing when the lightings low

They say

Tick tick. tell me where the time goes

Oh life, you know it moves much to slow

Tick tick tell me where the time goes

Those are the ones for me

The misfits, the freaks, the enemy, you and me

Those are the ones for me

The misfits, the freaks, the enemy, you and me

So true.
Its so true that no matter how well u know urself, there is always that iota of doubt
that creeps up from somewhere and then turns the water red...just as a drop of blood does to a clear glass of water.
Feel so....lost. I think that should be the word.
Bcuz frankly, i cant find a word for wat i am feeling.
I feel anger, dejection, hurt,
feel like running away altogether...

But then, isnt life all about staying there and fighting it out, for things u blieve in,
people u love.
I love someone, i really do.
And so much.
I guess sometimes its so hard, expressing my love, all that pent up feelings.
I turn to pouring my heart out...on a piece of paper or better still in a window at a
website that promises 'Push Button Publishing'.

I'll return to you...
i have a lot to pour out...

Reflection

2006-08-29T11:30:00.000-07:00

Time stands still

2006-08-28T20:57:00.000-07:00

For the woman who makes my life worth living...

Time stands still,

As I trudge along...waiting for the sun to go down..

As the sand blows in my face...

blinding my eyes..

making them hurt..

But then i see you...

You...all of you..

I stop.

The beast in me could never know love,

feel love,

express love...

But with you..

I find those words

somehow from the wilderness that is human expression..

I stop.

I kneel down....

I plunder the seven seas...

I cross the unending borders of inhibitions....

I break the silence of observation....

I seize time with both my hands...

Just for that one moment with you...

I take a step.

I join my hands....

I want to know impossible things...

Like how the air kisses your face..

How the cold water feels on your skin..

How the petals caress your hand...

Because the more I know about you..

The more i love you...

You..all of you...

I bow my head...

And Pray.

I've never felt..

Never cared...

Never forgiven..

Never thought...

Never tried to rise above the lie that this world is...

But now...

As i learn..from you..

I feel....

The sun goes down...

The sand stops blowing...

My eyes have regained consciousness...

My parched throat feels the warmth of first drops of water...

I look around...

I feel it.

I feel...

You."

With me

2006-08-28T20:51:00.000-07:00

The first poem i wrote.....

With me

As i look at the screen,
looking at me, empty,
life flows on by,
as a movie i've somewhere seen.

i get up for water,
in my eyes, welling up,
i turn up the music,
playing in my mind, your laughter.

I sit down,
I look up,
the wall above,
I think of love,
I think of you,
out of the blue,
coming to me,
thats where you should be,
with me,
always,
with me.

the wind hits me,
its icy needles, prick me,
there's warmth inside, i think,
i think of you, and i sing.

Those eyes,looking at me,
i wanna touch those hands,
waiting here i feel like am drownin
in a quicksand.

But,i sit down,
I look up,
the wall above,
I think of love,
I think of you,
out of the blue,
coming to me,
thats where you should be,
with me,
always,
with me.

Can i touch you,
Can i kiss you,
cuz i feel like am drownin,
in a quicksand, within.
in a quicksand within.....