To Infinity & Beyond

[Wriiten during the time I held the post of Director - Public Relations, SEDS Earth]

Since time immemorial, man has been fascinated by space and the mysteries it shrouds in its dark and deep recesses. From the time when man used to just gaze at the stars, shining brightly in the sky to the present day, when the space around the earth is littered with the engineering marvels of this age, everything has been an effort towards unravelling the mysteries that have haunted mankind in the past and will continue to haunt them even after the dawn of the quintessential Homo sapiens futuralis.

The burning desire to explore the dubious and sometimes shocking possibilities, the haunting secrets and intriguing facts that the universe symbolizes pushed a group of enthusiastic students at MIT, in the year 1980, to establish an organization called SEDS – Students for Exploration & Development of Space. The idea was simple. To quote the forefathers of the organization :

“SEDS is an independent, student-based organization which promotes the exploration and development of space. SEDS pursues this mission by educating people about the benefits of space, by supporting a network of interested students, by providing an opportunity for members to develop their leadership skills, and inspiring people through our involvement in space-related projects. SEDS believes in a space-faring civilization and that focusing the enthusiasm of young people is the key to our future in space.”

The year 1980 saw a slow but steady growth of the organization. Shortly after SEDS was founded at MIT, its president, Peter Diamandis, wrote a letter to the editor in Omni magazine deploring the status of the space program and asking students to help make a difference. The letter, published in Omni in early 1981, attracted students from around the nation to SEDS. The creators were determined to take the organization to the fore and carve a niche for itself. Hence, July 1982 saw the first SEDS Conference being held on the campus of George Washington University in Washington, DC. The meeting attracted students from around the country. A number of top-flight speakers gave presentations at the conference, including Dr. Mark Chartrand, then director of the National Space Institute (now NSS); Dr. David Webb, aerospace pioneer and the head of the SEDS-USA Board of Advisors; and the young Republican co-chairman of the Congressional Space Caucus, a Georgia representative by the name of Newt Gingrich. Students returned to Washington in July of 1983 for the second SEDS conference. The conference was longer than in 1982 and included more presentations by speakers dealing with many aspects of space exploration and development.

The year is 2005. The journey has been an eventful one, if not a long one. SEDS has come a long way, has spread its wings all over the world with chapters in China, Spain and India. The beginning of the 21^st century has seen the birth of an organization that will in the future be the face, the symbol, the insignia, of space enthusiasts, grad & undergrad students, learners, entrepreneurs, high school students, professors and anyone and everyone who wants to do something for the exploration and development of space. The much awaited and needed international organization, SEDS-Earth, the new revamped face of SEDS, has been launched.

I, Abhishek Ray, the International Director of Public Relations, welcome you to come and work with us. SEDS is a great opportunity for anyone and everyone who has deep desire, a quest, a thirst for the knowledge of uncovering the unknown, of developing the engineering marvels we have, of pouring out the creative energy in developing our own ‘babies’ which might become tomorrow’s awe-inspiring find or inventions. It is your forum to :

S – SEARCH FOR THE TRUTH ABOUT THE UNIVERSE & ITS MYSTERIES.

E – ENVISAGE NEW PROJECTS AND EVENTS THAT WILL SPUR ON THE ENTHUSIASTS WORLDWIDE.

D – DEFINE TOMORROW’S METHODOLOGIES OF EXPLORATION AND DEVELOPMENT OF SPACE.

S – SURPASS THE BOUNDARIES OF CREATIVITY & IMAGINATION !!

SEDS-Earth has been born. It is in its infancy. But it will grow. It will stand the test of time. It will traverse the journey to infinity and beyond.

New Deep

The new me.
Couldnt have captured my emotions better.
Thats how i look without her by my side.


Angry.
With this world, the people in it,
the insects infesting it...

Wish - I had an invisible cloak...with which i could hide her and take her away from everything here
.
With me....
forever...

The semester before i die

U know how u see these film stars, making promises to their loved ones that they would die if he/she left the other one day, and wonder what is it that will drive them to such insanity.
I never knew that loving someone cud have such an effect on me.
Now that the last sem of college is here, round the corner literally, i feel as if after college i would stop existing.
That feeling of warmth wen i see her, that strange feeling of being at home even wen i am with her in a crowd...i'll miss all that.
And most of all, the love that kept me alive the 3 yrs in college - 2nd yr to the final year, I will miss that the most.
guess i'll just stop existing after college...


R.I.P
RAY

My Life...

Is it me...

I dont understand this...
It is as if everything i planned out to do is going awry..is breaking down right in front of me.
And i am helpless. My hands feel numb.
No matter how hard I try...how bad i want something, things dont go as i i think they will.
Is it me or is there something wrong with what i want.
Perhaps it is a bit of both, as it always is.
When i fall to reminescing, i remember the simpler times, when there were simpler goals, simpler roads to self satisfaction.
How i wish those times come back....

But as they say, growing up comes at a cost.

Wish i was in a life where everything was free...or at least had some discounts to it.
where evrything wasnt as costly as things seem to be in this life.

River of Life

I feel let down,
remember the past,
the light flickers,
everything's brown,
i know i've finished last.

But in my heart
i have you,
your love keeps me,
from fallin apart.

Could i run away,
Hide in an island
far away,
be with you night and day,
sing our days away,
never come back this way,
Could i turn back time,
write that one correct line,
but i know,
this moment is gonna go,
it hurts me so,
so, lets get on the boat,
and down the river of life,
we row,
and row...

the room's a mess,
and my mind too,
what r u thinkin,
i try and guess,
but i've finished last, its true.

i try and hide my tears,
the pain sticks inside,
but as the mist clears,
i know that
the grass is always greener
on the other side.

So,
Could i run away,
Hide in an island,
far away,
be with you night and day,
sing our days away,
never come back this way,
could i turn back time,
write that one correct line,
but i know,
this moment is gonna go,
it hurts me so,
so, lets get on the boat,
and down the river of life,
we row,
and row...

Love you

i hear you,
saying your sorry,
cant you see the wounds,
they are hurting me.
You think those words,
are gonna heal,
My cries you've never heard,
my pain, i'm never gonna reveal.

You say u dont understand,
you doubt my intentions,
your trust in me, like a quicksand,
in your love, my heart burns.


Those eyes can never see my love,
Those hands can never feel my touch,
I'm gonna pick myself up,
Cuz the wounds dont matter much,
Cuz i love you,
will love you,
always,
and forever...


Heard your harsh voice,
tried to cheer you,
Am not that wise
But i am all true.
Feel i'm slippin down a hole,
Cant see where it ends,
I'm not gonna fall,
My broken heart will mend.

WIND CRIES MARY

“After all the jacks are in their boxes

And the clowns have all gone to bed

You can hear happiness staggering on down street

Footprints dressed in red

And the wind whispers MARY”

John Mayer

Room for Squares

Atlanta, 2001.

It was cold. Dead cold. The sky was clear. Feather shaped clouds draped the moon, shining in all its glory. It all seemed so simulated, so artificial. It was as if someone had covered the world with a grey-black coloured cloak and had pushed it into a freezer. The ground everywhere was covered with a thick layer of snow. Here and there tracks had been cut out by carriages and carts carrying people and goods, headed for the markets in the city. But now, a deathly silence had descended on the place. I balanced myself on the window sill and looked in. There she was, dressing up for dinner.

Dresses were lying on the bed. I could see her, bending over them, trying to decide which one to wear. Her wet hair stuck to her shoulders, the water glistening on her smooth skin. She removed the plastic covering one of the dresses and peered at it closely. A faint grin appeared on her soft, pink lips and her eyes blinked in approval. She looked out of the window, the one opposite of the window on which I was perched. The snow covered peaks, resplendent in the softly glowing horizon, gleamed in the blue moonlight as she walked towards the window, probably planning to open it. Her hands held back. She walked back, head bowed and sighing. A call rang out from below. It was her mother. The guests had entered the main gate.

The Stangertons never wanted their daughter to be married to Billy Beresford, son of Lord Beresford, Earl of Nottinghamshire. It was the Earl who had insisted on having dinner with Marcus Stangerton and his family. Mary was their only child and they had carefully planned her future, with a devilish determination and sense of purpose. From the day she had entered Gloria Foundation, the best girl’s school in east London to the day she had graduated from Liverpool, Marcus Stangerton had carefully plotted each and every point of the graph of her future life. Marcus knew what it was to be one of them, the Stangertons. So he had protected Mary, right from the time she had been born. Now, as he stood at the door, dressed in the finest fabric ever to be fashioned in the form of a suit, he felt happy. It is quite rarely that one has an Earl over for dinner.

The 1936 Ford Pantheon cruised to a halt in front of the butler, waiting to receive the Earl and his family. The Earl got out, followed by his wife and Billy. He grinned from ear to ear as the two elderly men shook hands following which Mr. Stangerton led them inside. The butler followed close at heel, taking orders from Mr. Stangerton as he led the guests to the drawing room. Mrs. Stangerton was waiting there, all dressed up for the big occasion.

“It is a lovely house Marcus! The windows are just so big and beautiful!” exclaimed Mrs. Beresford.

“You are most kind madam. Its nothing compared to your castle. I believe the castle has been featured again in The Daily Tribune….” broke off Marcus Stangerton. His eyes were on Mary. She had come down from her room. She was looking so beautiful in that black dress, observed Marcus. How quickly she had grown, he thought. I flew down to the window which gave me a better view of Mary. I did not want to lose sight of her.

The guests sat down. Billy had sat down next to Mary. The Earl and Marcus were chatting away at one corner; the wives had made themselves comfortable in front of the hearth, sipping wine as they talked of fashion and films. Billy looked at Mary. She appeared to be grinning faintly.

“So, I heard you sing?” said Billy.

“I do. In fact I can speak too” giggled Mary.

“Oh…well….do you read much? I mean….novels. Poems are...” he stopped. He looked at Mary. She had a strange look in her eyes. I leaned in, to catch a better glimpse of the two.

“Mary, are you alright? You look pale…” said Billy. He didn’t know what to do. Mary had that far-away look in her eyes. She had, all of a sudden, stopped giggling. She then turned to look at him.

“Do you really want to marry me?” she asked. Her voice was heavy. Her hands were tense. Something was happening to her, Billy seemed to think. I chuckled, a muffled sound that died away quickly.

“I do. That’s why I am here, isn’t it?” uttered Billy. Poor guy, I thought. I climbed down the window and flew to the bedroom upstairs. It was time, I perceived. I opened the door to the bedroom slowly and peeped out.

She had stood up, looking at him, smiling. She took him by the hand and led him upstairs. She was so beautiful, it was hard to resist. Billy walked up the stairs, as if in a trance.

“Where are we going?” asked Billy.

“The balcony, I need to talk to you Billy…” said Mary. She had definitely decided it was time. She walked past the bedroom door towards the balcony. She was in a hurry, I could detect.

“Mary, is something wrong? You seem so tense….” Billy couldn’t complete the sentence. Mary had turned away from him. He heard her crying.

“Mary, please tell me. Is something…”this time the sentence was even shorter. He moved closer to Mary, to console her. She had buried her face in her hands and was crying.

Then Mary turned around, her canines glinting in the moonlight. Without a sound she dug her teeth deep into Billy’s throat. Blood squirted out, dropping to Billy’s feet, turning his shirt and feet red. She clung on, her nails digging deep into his chest. In a few moments, she let go of him. Billy Beresford dropped to the ground, his body falling with a dull, sick thud.

As she wiped the blood clean from her face and lips, I flew down. She no longer needed to stay with her parents. I had found a home, a nice quaint little cottage in Surrey. She looked at me and smiled. There were tears in her eyes. I took her in my arms. We cried quietly. We were two vampires in love. We had nothing to fear now.

Bloodcurdling screams emanated from the drawing room, downstairs. The Stangertons were having dinner….

[ Vampires have always caught my imagination. This is my version of a vampire story ]

Changes

I think i have to grow up...
Lateley i have been having this feeling that the little child inside me has no place in this world. Maybe its true, maybe its not. But i dont know how to deal with this, that i know for sure.

I know you have to go out into this world, wihtout me by your side. But why do i have this feeling that i am losing importance in your life.
Perhaps i am a bit too much possessive. Perhaps i love too much. But let me tell you that it has very difficult for me to stayt in my room for the past couple of days, thinking of you 24-7.
I know i get too emotional sometimes and when i look back in retrospect i wonder why was i getting so hyper about nothing.
But as the days come to a close in this college...i wonder when will be the next time i will be able to spend a full day with you...
Dont know what will be the schedule in a B-school...dont know when u will be able to get off work.


Dont know what will happen...
But one thing that drives me on..is the thought that someday, i'll have you by my side.
And that day i gues i will Rest In Peace.


Love you

For my angel

Colours fade into grey and white,

As I sit down in this room,

Away from you,

Away from happiness.

The smile fades,

The darkness looms large,

Flitting memories cover my eyes,

And I lean back,

Lost in you.

And then I dream,

I dream of hills,

Of rivers sparkling clear,

Of colours blending with the sky above,

Of an angel,

Amidst the trees, beside the water,

The lips parted in a smile,

The brow luminous with the warmth of kindness,

The bosom, filled with the milk of love

The hands, long, tender,

The legs, slender and curved,

I see her,

Calling put to me,

Her hands, curved in an embrace of love,

I cross the river,

I trample on the grass,

I reach her,

I fall into her arms,

Into the sea of love,

I drown,

I perish,

Only to be alive, inside her,

Forever.

The dream ends,

The phone beeps,

The monitor flashes to life,

I see your picture,

I see my angel,

The hands long and tender,

The lips parted in a smile,

The brow luminous with the warmth of kindness,

The bosom filled with the milk of love,

Amidst the trees,

Beside the water…..

With you...

[Wrote this one for her on Valentine's Day....]

The door opened. A creaking sound accompanying it broke the silence. She entered. She closed the door behind her and sat down. It had been a hard day, I observed.

She opened her sandals, massaging her feet as she took them off. She frowned as her hand touched the area near her left toe which was sore. Picking up her sandals, she dropped them near the settee and strode off in the direction of the dining room.

It had been a long hard day again at the office, I observed. Infotronics Corp. did not give its employees even a second to breathe, now that the company was under a severe financial crisis. Work in the Information & Interfacing sector was even tougher, since Infotronics now had to keep up with the competition in the I.T. sector, post the revolutionary law by the American Government allowing all the off-shore companies to market and sell products under their company banner and name. She had put in her 100% in the last few months. The coming months were going to be tough on her, I knew. I got up from the settee, put her shoes in place, crossed the living room and entered the dining room. I had to make sure she was eating right, since I knew she was hungry.

She was sitting on her favourite chair beside the jukebox, listening to her favourite songs. The music filled the room like smokes from an incense stick, somehow spreading a curious ‘fragrance’ in the room. I noticed that she had already taken out from the refrigerator a fresh box of noodles and was now sipping coffee from her coffee mug. She then picked up the box of noodles and started eating. Beside the jukebox, there was a picture of me and her, when we were together. Her eyes wandered, settling on the picture momentarily and then she looked away. I could see the tears. She closed her eyes. She was weeping inside, I knew.

The music could not shroud the chimes of the clock in the main hall as it struck 9. She opened her eyes, red with tears. Getting up from her chair, she ate one final spoon of noodles and then pushed it away inside the refrigerator. Gulping down the coffee, she put it on the jukebox, spilling some of it on the cover of the jukebox. She was tired. With a sigh she looked around. I knew she was feeling cold. She hurried to the window and closed it, shuddering with cold as she did it. She still was not used to Los Angeles weather.

It had been 10 years since I had brought her here. I had been transferred to the North American headquarters of my company. At first she was reluctant to leave India, leave her mother. My mother was not convinced that this move would be the right one, in order to further my career prospects. But in the end, I was able to convince her. Mom had cried a lot. I still remember her at the airport, clinging on to me like a baby. I had assured her that I would visit India at least once a year, till I was transferred back. I had silently cried, seeing her cry.

Her mother had come along with us. She said she would be happy if her mother stayed with her. I knew that. And I wanted to see her happy, as happy as she could ever be. I still remember the day I had agreed and she had held me in her arms, smiling. I had loved every moment of it. Things had gone every bit our way as she got a job with Infotronics Corp. and we moved into a beautiful house south of Paulo Alto. She was happy. I was happy, seeing her happy.

She quietly entered the room where her mother was sleeping. She kissed her on the forehead and closed the door behind her. I got up from the chair at the dining table, removed the noodles because I knew it would develop a stale taste by tomorrow and cleaned the jukebox. I quietly washed the coffee mug and put it on the shelf. She would need it to be clean again, I thought.

She was now in the bedroom. She had changed and was now lying on the bed. She was wearing her blue nightgown. She was looking so beautiful. Just like an angel. Her eyes were closed, a bead of tear trickling down each eye, occasionally. She had something in her hand, I could make out. I sat down beside her. It was my photograph. I knew what she was thinking, always knew. She was remembering our college days. How I used to call her everyday, how we used to meet to have coffee or just talk, how we had shared our problems, our joy, our sorrow. The tears said it all. I wanted to talk to her, to tell her I love her and that I am right here. I wanted to take her in my arms, wanted her to cry it out and wanted her to tell me what she was going through. But I could not.

Then it all came flooding back to me. I still remember the day when I was returning from work. The car, the streetlights, the burning truck, the firefighters, the paramedical team which had come for rescue. Everything came back, in one haunting memory. I still remember how I had looked back on my dead body, lying beside the wrecked car. I still remember how I had longed to be with her back home, longed for life, again. But I had promised her that I would never leave her, ever. So I had come back. Back to her. Back to my life. She had always been my life, always.

The jukebox played on; unhindered, soothing as ever, a song which I knew she loved –

Every breath you take,

Every move you make,

Every bond you break,

Every step you take,

I’ll be watching you……..

I slowly switched the lights off and closed the windows, as quietly as possible.

She needed sleep. I lay down close to her and closed my eyes, hoping for a tear to trickle down my dead eyes………….

Neologism is not the religion of Neo

[A blog that i wrote for our quiz fest Gnosiomania 2k6]

Gnosiomania is a neologism. That is what I learnt after scouring through innumerable webpages and sites, looking for topics that interest the left lobe of my telencephalon (or what one calls the brain). But first let me elucidate the meaning of the word neologism.

Simply put – Neologism is a word, term, or phrase which has been recently created ("coined") — often to apply to new concepts, or to reshape older terms in newer language form. Neologisms are by definition "new," and as such are often directly attributable to a specific individual, publication, period or event. The term "neologism" was itself coined around 1800; so for some time in the early 19th Century, the word "neologism" was itself a neologism. So gnosiomania which actually is a play on the word gnosiophobia (the fear of knowledge) is most definitely a neologism. (Phew)

Interesting. But as I finished this first paragraph, thoughts warped back to the day I had got the news that something known as GNOSIOMANIA would be organized in our college. Was in the 1^st year and had just started getting comfy with the 3^rd years. The final years were still the predators, to be in awe of from a distance but never to be close to one, much like one would be had one been in a Jurassic Park, beholding a velociraptor, in a cage mind you.

Things had happened so smoothly. Had bagged the role of the brochure writer and had written the script, much to the liking of the final years and the 3^rd years. And when the event began, was totally bowled over by the spirit of quizzing that erupted in the campus for 2 straight days. Hardly slept for the 2 days and by the end of it, knew where I stood on the knowledge ladder (on the ground beside the ladder beckoning people to help me up).

But this year I feel a little (tiny would be appropriate) bit more confident. Have been doing my reading (and practicing sleeping with a book), practicing the questions, quizzing actively in college quizzes and have been a quizmaster for 2 quizzes too !! (Have no idea how that happened !!). Although the ascent up the ladder has been slow and tiresome (albeit fascinating) one, the event itself is what drives me to newer heights of gnosiomania. Hey !! wait there a second….didn’t I just use Gnosiomania in the right manner in a grammatically correct sentence ??? !!!

Cheers people !!

Misfit

Sometimes in life u dont feel like putting down in words wat u might me feeling. Something like wat i am feeling right now.
Have got my media player playing tunes to me from an alternative rock album - 3rd eye blind (wierd name).
the lyrics are ven more vague :

Hey bro props at the after show

Can you tell me where the greenbuds grows?

I'd like to say you turned my life around



I lost myself outside again

With the sound running through my head

Drowned out way out in the crowd

and the crowd goes singing



My people are the misfits

The ones that don't fit in

With the smile I know it comes within

I can feel you in the corners laughing when the lightings low




They say

Tick tick. tell me where the time goes

Oh life, you know it moves much to slow

Tick tick tell me where the time goes

Those are the ones for me

Those are the ones for me

The misfits, the freaks, the enemy, you and me

Those are the ones for me

Those are the ones for me

The misfits, the freaks, the enemy, you and me


So true.
Its so true that no matter how well u know urself, there is always that iota of doubt
that creeps up from somewhere and then turns the water red...just as a drop of blood does to a clear glass of water.
Feel so....lost. I think that should be the word.
Bcuz frankly, i cant find a word for wat i am feeling.
I feel anger, dejection, hurt,
feel like running away altogether...

But then, isnt life all about staying there and fighting it out, for things u blieve in,
people u love.
I love someone, i really do.
And so much.
I guess sometimes its so hard, expressing my love, all that pent up feelings.
I turn to pouring my heart out...on a piece of paper or better still in a window at a
website that promises 'Push Button Publishing'.

I'll return to you...
i have a lot to pour out...

Reflection

Time stands still

For the woman who makes my life worth living...

Time stands still,

As I trudge along...waiting for the sun to go down..

As the sand blows in my face...

blinding my eyes..

making them hurt..

But then i see you...

You...all of you..

I stop.

The beast in me could never know love,

feel love,

express love...

But with you..

I find those words

somehow from the wilderness that is human expression..

I stop.

I kneel down....

I plunder the seven seas...

I cross the unending borders of inhibitions....

I break the silence of observation....

I seize time with both my hands...

Just for that one moment with you...

I take a step.

I join my hands....

I want to know impossible things...

Like how the air kisses your face..

How the cold water feels on your skin..

How the petals caress your hand...

Because the more I know about you..

The more i love you...

You..all of you...

I bow my head...

And Pray.

I've never felt..

Never cared...

Never forgiven..

Never thought...

Never tried to rise above the lie that this world is...

But now...

As i learn..from you..

I feel....

The sun goes down...

The sand stops blowing...

My eyes have regained consciousness...

My parched throat feels the warmth of first drops of water...

I look around...

I feel it.

I feel...

You."

With me

The first poem i wrote.....

With me

As i look at the screen,
looking at me, empty,
life flows on by,
as a movie i've somewhere seen.

i get up for water,
in my eyes, welling up,
i turn up the music,
playing in my mind, your laughter.

I sit down,
I look up,
the wall above,
I think of love,
I think of you,
out of the blue,
coming to me,
thats where you should be,
with me,
always,
with me.

the wind hits me,
its icy needles, prick me,
there's warmth inside, i think,
i think of you, and i sing.

Those eyes,looking at me,
i wanna touch those hands,
waiting here i feel like am drownin
in a quicksand.

But,i sit down,
I look up,
the wall above,
I think of love,
I think of you,
out of the blue,
coming to me,
thats where you should be,
with me,
always,
with me.

Can i touch you,
Can i kiss you,
cuz i feel like am drownin,
in a quicksand, within.
in a quicksand within.....